everyone is lying online

i’m not sure what is in the air (well, an eclipse, an equinox, and mercury retrograde is on the horizon) but i have been having an exorbitant amount of IRL chats about how everyone is a fraud, lately.

i thought maybe it was because i’ve been in a less-than-perfect mood since monday (sorry, Matt), but to be honest this topic has been hovering over my hangouts and DMs since before that. and then i thought maybe it was because i was the sour one bringing it up…but then NY Mag dropped that story about Andrew Huberman, and i started to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something.

i’ve never really been into hero worship or intense fandom of any sort — no exceptions, not even for Bèyonce, sorry, someone had to say it. i work in PR and my first job was in entertainment, like red carpet entertainment, not creator entertainment, so i am appropriately and adequately jaded. i’ve even aided and abetted in a sham or two. so why am i now triggered by the not-new reality that people portray their lives as they want it to be seen and not how it is? and don’t i do the same? ok so wtf* am i mad?

within the last week or so, i’ve learned that prominent women i would have said i was inspired by are falsifying their narratives and really just want to be famous, peers i admire are actually really unhappy with their careers despite their TikToks that vehemently promote the opposite, and influencers i was already a little skeptical about are just flat out lying.

again, not surprising, but striking a particular nerve with me for the first time in my life.

okay, let me first deal with the question of why before i expose myself as a little bit of a hypocrite.

right now, i’m getting to the point where i almost don’t give a fuck, what anyone thinks. i have put in the work to cultivate this sort of uninhibited (borderline delulu) self-confidence in who i am (not what i have or what i’ve done but who i show up as in the world), so i get frustrated when other people, especially people older than me (because they’re wiser right? nope), don’t seem to be doing the same.

now, self-confidence and security don’t preclude anyone from feeling or having insecurities – i go in waves of being really proud of how my body looks, feels, and operates, and waves when i feel that less so. i’m proud of what i’ve accomplished financially & professionally to this point but i feel i still have a longggg, LONG way to go. (that all caps was just me trying to squeeze in some more manifesting of money & success) there are more but those are my big ones.

the presence of self-confidence is not the absence of insecurity or the presence of perfection, it’s the belief our imperfections are what make us human and allow us to be vulnerable and connect in a real way with others, they are gifts.

when we prevent ourselves from connecting on that level, our relationships are fake, unfulfilling, and to me, pretty boring. so that’s why.

but, it’s true that i do this too on some level because as i stated, i am human, i’m not a robot, despite how many captchas i fail….(it’s tough to decide if we’re on the same page about what we’re constituting as full images of bikes, okay?)

the answer is yes, and no. do i film videos of me when i’m crying to let you know, i too have bad days (that sometimes last 3 days, like this week? no, and i never will. consider that another gift, not a pretty crier but hey, new goal.

do i show you the parts of my life that aren’t pretty or fun or cool? only if they’re funny, because that’s the way i want to relate. in reality, Matt’s heard about it 10x if he’s not also experiencing it, i’m calling one friend in particular or trying to meditate my way out of it, because she has a life too. unless i really can’t pull myself out of it, voice notes incoming. so if you were to look at my instagram, it’s a little bit false, and considering all the things, it’s not a perfect account of the days, months, or years.

i don’t think you’ll cancel me (i have 500 followers) and stop reading this, for my admission of guilt but, it’s a good reminder for me, and maybe for you too, to stop giving everyone we’re looking at, so much credit. that’s really what all of my conversations about this fraudulence came down too. take it all with a grain of salt, we’re all kind of lying, excluding, or selectively showing. it’s a sliding scale, the higher you are on the scale (in a bad way) the less happy you are in your real life, probably.

if we think about it, the people we’re observing don’t have to be “heroes” to do our own form of worship. founders, influencers, artists, podcasters, peers, friends even. it’s not fair to us and it’s actually not fair to them either. when we put any human on a pedestal, we shouldn’t be surprised when they fall. what goes up….

all we can do is be so aware and intentional of the energy we’re putting out, establish our own relational standards, relish the people who meet them, and forget about the rest. at least that’s what i’m telling myself 😘

xo

p.s. *wtf is meant to stand for why the fuck, not what the fuck in this instance.

p.p.s. i feel less triggered, this is truly a public diary.