i just got back from a whirlwind 48-hour trip to new york and came home, sad to leave friends yet very happy to be in 70-degree weather.
for a long time, every time i would go back to new york or LA, i would half-joke, half-seriously question if Matt and i should move back to that respective city. our main reason we’d consider leaving said 70-degree weather in march, the lack of income tax and proximity to the caribbean: friends.
when you move to a new city at 21 like i did, making new friends might be a concern but for the most part, you’re set up for success to make the process somewhat easy. when you’re 21 you might be working in an office, looking to go out on the weekends (or weeknights too, no judgment), and in general have more excitement and willingness to be in the spaces and the moods you need to, to make new friends. and i’m not saying that all disappears once you hit 27 or 28, but life changes eventually and the scenarios in which one makes new friends might not present themselves as often, or in my case, be that appealing.
to be perfectly honest, i never “want” to meet new people and i tell this to every “new” person i end up loving and grandfathering into my circle. the main reason i’m not gung-ho on new friends (which i’m working on!) is because i have a lot of different types of people i already love, right by my side and metaphorically in my corner. i have friends with kids, couple friends, friends that are single, friends that work in the same industry as me, friends that don’t work at all, friends that live part-time in another country with an 8+ hour time difference, and some friends where the only thing we have in common is that we’re friends.
i’m friends with people i don’t politically agree with (not to brag but, rare), friends who have jobs i don’t really understand, friends i love so much and only see once a year, and friends who are family that i’ve lived with as an adult, with their newborn children. the range is there and it’s probably one of the things i am most proud of myself for. when you know yourself, you can show up authentically in any relationship — no matter how little sense it may make on the outside.
it’s taken me years to fully be myself in every single friendship but now that i’m here, i’m telling you it’s worth the work. to be seen, understood, supported, and loved for all of your facets, nuances, and quirks, there’s nothing greater.
when we’re young i think we take friendship less seriously, and i think it’s a good thing. my only criteria for a friend 10-20 years ago were probably how much we laughed and how much fun we had doing absolutely nothing, and it served me well. the friends that have survived birthday after birthday, are here to stay and have taught me the most about myself. most of these friendships have gotten deeper and more dynamic as life happened along the way. over a 10+ year period death can happen, marriage can happen, kids can happen, moves definitely happen and if the friendship was meant to survive, it’ll adapt to fill new corners and holes like putty. it’s a beautiful thing when you feel that all the people who understand and love you the most are all in relatively close physical proximity, and for some, it’s enough to stay in one place. i understand that now more than ever.
but living in a new city, at the age of 28 (for a few more months…) as a girl who works for herself, is in a serious relationship (that’s what you called getting married in a year right?) and needs a slightly rigid, slightly flex routine to stay sane, i take my time and energy more seriously, and in turn, friendship. i tolerate very little bullshit, only what’s necessary. i leave room for disagreements or miscommunication catastrophes every now and then but i don’t fuck around with intention. my friends are here because they love me just as I am, and me the same with them. anything less than that isn’t cutting it. period. consider this a permission slip from your favorite gemini, scorpio rising to cut them off and if you have someone in mind after reading that, you were already thinking it, sorry!
all of this to say, there is a lot of talk about friendship these days — how to make new ones in adulthood or end toxic ones, and how to deal with what is the most painful type of break up in my opinion — and all of it feels like pressure. especially for us girls. as you can imagine i’d say, the only person who we really need to listen to here, is ourselves. we don’t have to change who we are, we just need to be honest.
so for me, i can have my criteria and my high expectations too – but ultimately i have to be willing to try if i want someone to gab over drinks with on a friday night. so as much as i don’t inherently gravitate to the idea of a “new” friend, especialllly if meeting them isn’t my idea (toxic 😇), i try remind myself that every friend i love now, was once new at some point. even with all the new rules i have at this age, if i zoom out, i see myself with great friends that i really love, who actually live here.
once i’ve actually done that, i’ll report back on how i did it but maybe i’ll share my friendship rules next week. in the meantime, call your best friends, tell them you love them, and wish me luck.
mwah!
