the circle of trust
what do to when people can't show up for us
if you have libra placements in your chart like me or if you’re a living and breathing person, coming to terms with the fact that along the way there will be people that will just flat out not like us and others who can’t be there for us in the way we want them to, can be hard.
i also think if you’ve worked hard to like yourself, in a way, it can feel like a deeper cut. you might think to yourself, “i’m out here putting in the work to stretch myself to the best i can be and that’s still not good enough for you?” and if you do, you’re human, but you’re focused on the wrong part of that sentence.
i caught up with a friend this week who is starting her own brilliant business, currently working on it after her 9-5 and debating when the right time to quit her job is. it might be tomorrow, it might be two years from now. she isn’t confused as to if she will, it’s more of a question of when she will. the concept of her not having her salary to support her while she takes a leap is scary, but what’s scarier to her is her bosses’ reaction to her quitting. let me clarify, her boss is rude, condescending, and outright mean, and she already feels he hates her.
“i just am uncomfortable not leaving on a good note. not that we have a great relationship now, but i know he already doesn’t like me, and this will just make it worse.”
now, if you’re reading this saying to yourself, “who cares, he’s already a dick, good riddance!” yes, that is partly what i said back to her. I also asked her, her worst fear. “an irreparable relationship and him being nasty to me.”
okay, so even if it did come true, would it have any bearing on what she is capable of in the future? we can all see the answer is no. we all know a bad aka emotionally stunted boss, maybe we’ve even had one. and we know when someone like that is incapable of giving you any validation or appreciation, you know it’s them, not you. and if you didn’t know that until now, don’t say i never gave you anything!
when we’re looking at other people, it can be so easy to see when a desire to be liked crosses over from keeping us “safe” and leads us into self-destruction, interfering with our confidence, drive, and trust in ourselves. it’s a good opportunity to reflect on where and with whom we may do this too.
it’s especially easy to identify when wanting to be liked goes too far when we’re talking about a work relationship or an interpersonal dynamic that isn’t deeply engrained into our personal lives. but what changes when you get this feeling from your best friend? your family? your s.o.?
does anything change?
i like to think about the people in my life as falling into a ring of circles, not dissimilar to the concept of “the circle of trust” from Meet the Parents or Meet the Fockers. if you don’t know that movie, you’re so young and i’m so happy you’re here.
anyways, in the movie, Robert Di Nero’s character constantly references his “circle of trust” that only a few people can make it into. not so dissimilar to DiNero, I (lol), believe the same. i take it a step further though and think about the people, that i like let’s be clear, who fall into the outer circles. you can imagine who’s out there, right, my friends but not my best ones, acquaintances, maybe coworkers, people i like, and maybe people i like a LOT — but people i know can’t meet my needs in the way i want them to or vis versa. so when someone from my “circle of trust” best friend, family, s.o., has shown me me they no longer belong there – boop! to the outer ring they go.
i said that so easily, with an added boop!, for effect and bring this up with a somewhat cavalier nature, but trust me i know it’s anything but easy to process.
the first thing i would actually tell you if you were coming to me as a friend with a feeling or a knowing that someone you love can’t show up for you, is to talk to your therapist. because it’s nuanced and it’s tricky. you want to make sure you’re doing your part in the relationship too, so gut check with a professional.
but, i can tell you as someone who has been through exactly one deep and tragic childhood best friend breakup, one serious bf breakup (and a few less serious ones), and who is consistently working on setting boundaries with my family that allow me to propel myself forward instead of holding myself back, it’s fucking hard. but frustratingly enough, it’s not all that different from my friend and her boss.
when we recognize someone in our life is unwilling or unable to give us what we need, we have to make a choice.
